you gave me the gift of transportation

everyyear @ 2006-05-29T23:28:00

2006-05-30T03:36:50Z

I feel really bad about this big thing that happened a long time ago, and I haven't been able to talk about it with a lot of people, and I am only writing this to make myself feel better. I'll just say sorry and promise an enormously long and (probably) unnecessarily dense and thorough senior letter. I don't like being vague, so I apologize about that also, and...goddamnit; if I don't stop now I'll keep going so nevermind.
Later.

BAF

2006-03-12T23:03:21Z

Hello. On Saturday, that is March the eighteenth, a HUGE fire will be visiting my backyard for the night and has ordered me to invite all who would be willing to come and to ask them to bring/tell their friends about it. If you need directions to come to my house, you may call my cell phone at any time of the day/night at: 404-641-8071. H-h-hu-hu-hug-hug-HUGE FIRE!

Feel free to stop by at any time of the night because it will be an all night thing, like sex can be at times.

everyyear @ 2005-12-11T18:15:00

2005-12-11T23:19:36Z

oh my gawd, usually.

Hello, hello.

2005-06-29T18:59:38Z

Hello to all. Summer has been, on a scale from 1-17, about a 14 and a half.
I'll make you an exquisite paper airplane that I call a "glider" and just happens to be my favorite of all paper airplanes (and believe me, I have had quite the experience with the "paper airplane"). It also flies incredibly and I would love to throw it off of a staggeringly tall building.

everyyear @ 2005-03-01T21:46:00

2005-03-02T02:50:17Z

I'd say I do a decent job of polishing my pride

oceans and driftwood

2005-02-20T06:27:56Z

i am no longer a figment of your imagination
i am partly an engineer of sorts and a victim of law
loss is common
and love...well, love is rare and captivating and obsessive and (now three times)rare

whew, what a workout (no relation to thursday night)
what a huge mess

nevermind

xc v

2004-12-22T19:57:15Z

im gettin a little pissed off about all this vague shit.
why dont you just fucking say the shit that is on your mind because that makes sense,
goddammit
god fucking dammit
im disabling the comments on this post because if you want to tell me something, you can fucking TELL it to me instead of writing it.
im not really worried about anyone coming up to me to express their anger at this post for two reasons:

im not popular and like two people read my shit anyway

and the people im talking about are either too pussy to talk to me or dont realize that im talking about them

im just a whiny little bitch and i need attention by complaining and hopefully i can piss someone off.
im complaining because im left out all the time.
i hate myself more than i hate anyone really.

the truth is im probably just jealous.
i dont know

feelings:subdued

2004-11-27T20:45:14Z

im ok with an overdone father scrutinizing my motives.
and a red blinking light forming a halo over her head as she sleeps.
i can stand all the chunks of foundation strewn across my yard.
there will never be the same binding force between you and i.
im racing in and out of recognition.
im biting tendons and swallowing families whole.
i promise as long as i live to never show mercy again.
and dont worry about me forgetting.
i have an album.
its full of stamina.

let me massage your tendons

2004-11-04T14:14:02Z

ive been wearing my clothes in dismay.
ive been cutting through bark and razor wire with a hack saw.
ive been writing directions to my new house.
ive been learning a great deal about myself.
ive been giving away bits and pieces of myself here and there.
i wish i knew what the hell i was talking about.

laets make something out of nothing

2004-10-27T22:10:43Z

ive been flying through the clouds every night for the past two weeks. i found out why we talk about assumptions all the time and i will say that youve been growing on me. i lost all recognition of you and your majestic ways but i know you dont like me when im willing to nurse anyone back to health.

she walked me to the house of orderves and i placed an order. ive been lieing about last night because i figured it was the right thing to do. its been dawning on me for the last two weeks that i am all alone here. i have plenty of proof that i was not there when it happened.

i am incredibly sorry about the last two weeks.

its such an unheard of extremity

2004-10-10T17:40:40Z

Fatalics

i know magnificence like i know narcotics. peace of lightheadedness and a tiny tiny flame burning only seconds away combined with my ability to frame your meaningless pictures focusing ever so slightly on ALL details detains very few results on account of the lighting in this nostalgia room and one or two letters i found next to my lighter and my ciggarettes plus the thought of losing what i found without ever over analyzing. i know icarus like i know absurdity. i have been forced out of my house and im not sure why but im starting to wonder why she climbed overboard just as i welcomed talent and fatalics onto our sinking ship of a never ending metaphor and no one ever hoped to die, it just kind of forced its way out of my mouth and onto a new and already resolved mystery. we had better watch the ground we stand on, the orchestra we are a part of, the opportunities we never accepted responsibility for, and the abominations we have all grown so incredibly comfortable with. speaking of fatal diseases...

fuck pretty much everybody who is alive. there is such a small # of people i actually care for.

everyyear @ 2004-09-28T13:49:00

2004-09-28T17:51:48Z

there are a lot of things i need to take care of
only one really counts
tonight
ive been writing to much
bible study was really fun last night
i love our conversations
i spent the night at kenneths and got no sleep and i loved it
i live for...

everyyear @ 2004-09-21T17:40:00

2004-09-21T21:41:36Z

just in case anyone wants this,

phone # 770 972 8695 but you are probably more likely to reach me at kenneths cell phone 678 754 0578

school sucks

2004-08-31T01:43:43Z

this week is gonna suck

licensed botanicles monotonizing harmonies

2004-08-25T01:16:32Z

starting off, i cant go to church tommorow because i have to go to the eye doctor. im actually kind of excited, because i cant really see much of anything. i wonder what kind of frames ill get. im open to suggestions. now all i gotta do is get a hearing aid.

i just finished watching trading spouses. thats actually not a bad show.

i wish i could have gone to the show tonight. that would have been cool.

other than that, that's about it i guess.

see everyone at school

more of my insides

2004-08-19T22:56:37Z

yesterday, thomas farthing drove me and kenneth over to his house and we hung out with him for an hour or so. hes got this bench swing thing tied to a tree. when you sit on it it kind of bounces. SO,,,,,i sat on it and kenneth spun it up and swung me around on it really really really fast. he did it like 4 times in a row and i got really sick and had to lay down for a second. i really like thomas. hes an awesome person.

i am really wanting a girlfriend. i so badly want someone that i can love and hold and tell my most inner thoughts. im so jealous of anyone who has a partner, girl or guy. ive got someone on my mind i want to really get to know, but i think she has a boyfriend and i freeze up everytime i get near her. god i hate myself for that. the only thing i want in the entire world and i suck at getting it. i should be more grateful though. i have some of the best friends ever put on the face of this earth. i love everyone and i hope everyone loves me.

see you guys tommorow

170 days left of school

2004-08-19T21:53:26Z

well im just gonna talk
i finished my poem ive been working on and im really excited about that.
VERY excited about the remnant show on friday.
cant wait to sit in the pit with everybody after 2nd. ill probably get a stamp.
i love seeing everybody everyday. just know that all of you (and you know who you are) make my day.
well me kenneth craig and jake will hopefully be able to practice at daniels on saturday. if for some reason jake ends up not being the drummer of choice, we are going to try thomas farthing. i actually would kind of prefer thomas but im gonna practice with jake once.

im so excited about going to school tommorow.
bye

bored

2004-08-12T18:33:41Z

well i didnt go to ponkos. i was looking forward to it but its not a big deal. dont worry sean. if you feel bad ill feel bad.

some kid threw up all over himself. he stood up and brushed some chunks off and i came way to close to throwing up. i heaved like three times but nothing came out thank god.

wow. that was pointless
bye

everyyear @ 2004-08-08T18:05:00

2004-08-08T22:07:02Z

i forgot to say that i dont know if there is youth tonight so im just not going

the lock in F-ed me

2004-08-08T22:06:03Z

well i stayed up all night at the lock in so when i got home (10ish) i went to sleep. i woke up around 8 and then i didnt fall asleep till like 3am. so the next morning my mom wakes me up to go to church and i was really tired so i said "lets skip service and only go to sunday school" and she said ok. so she woke me up like an hour later and i said "lets skip sunday school" so i stayed home and slept till about 2pm. now im not going to be able to sleep tonight and ill be tired tommorow.

SWEET. man im excited.
bye

california

2004-08-06T22:06:08Z

im not gonna talk about the entire trip. just bits and pieces that you might find interesting. i went to a show. it was "all that remains" and it was cool. my cousins ex boyfriend took me which must have been awkward for her. sorry.

i made the decision to stop eating beef after reading an article on mad cow disease. im only going to stop eating beef. i dont care about chicken or fish. first of all i need protein and second of all, i like eating. maybe eventually ill stop eating that stuff, but well see.

i found out that my uncle writes poetry. i dont know if he still does, but he gave me a book of his stuff and its awesome.

i really want to be in a band. im trying, its not working out, im pissed off about the whole situation.

im going to a lock in tonight. i have a feeling im not going to have any fun, but i dont have anything to do, and i think staying up really late and writing after everyone falls asleep will lead to a productive night.

i had an interesting dream the other night. the reason im writing it down is because it stuck with me for like a week now, and i normally forget my dreams like two minutes after i wake up. anyway, here goes.

i was spending the night in a gym with ray, daniel, and nine or ten other people. the other people i couldnt recognize. the only known people were ray and daniel. all of a sudden ray and daniel started beating the living shit out of me. i dont know why but it was bad. then everyone else started doing it also. it went on for like ten minutes until ray did something to my knee (i dont know what or with what) and it made me scream as loud as i could in complete pain. thats when they made the group decision of quitting and just sitting down. i was busy laying limp and lifeless unable to talk or move. i was covored in blood and drooling due to my paralyzed state. ray and daniel kept asking me to get them a glass of water because they were tired. they were serious too. they were talking like they had no recolection of the last ten minutes whatsoever. i couldnt talk, but i got totally pissed off that they were actually asking me to do this for them, and that was when i woke up.

ray or daniel, dont take this offensively if you read it. it was a dream. it was totally abstract. anybody, please leave comments about it. just for some interested opinions.

see everyone at the lockin.
bye

everyyear @ 2004-07-16T13:27:00

2004-07-16T17:22:15Z

just want to let everyone know that if i havent made a comment or replied to anything, its because i havent varified an e-mail. i really want to reply and make comments but i am currently unable. im sorry. ill work on that e-mail thing.
bye

angry with none other than...

2004-07-15T21:33:49Z

im starting to get frustrated with myself. i think im doing something right but it is always wrong. it is always wrong. i dont know what the hell im doing with myself right now. ill ask myself if im happy like ive done over and over again and ill get the same answer. I THINK. well im having fun, does that count. im sorry if im not being specific enough for any of you avid readers of the very little that i post, but the reason for my lack of clarity is ive come to find that there are certain people who are reading this and there are certain people who i dont want reading this. as much as i do like them, i dont want them reading a lot of the things i have to write so i have been forced to censor my live journal.

anyway, i feel like im ruining this almost perfect opportunity that i have. ill leave it to the reader to find out what exactly this opportunity is. im thankful for the people who understand me and can talk to me. because, i love to talk. once i get started, i dont stop. another thing thats kinda driving me to the edge, is the solidity of many of my friendships. i can think of one person that i am truly friends with and i dont have to be worried to tell him anyhting on my mind. with most other people its not like that at all. i have to do so much thinking before i say something that its not worth carrying on a conversation. other times ill forget to edit my thoughts and next thing i know im being torn apart by my so called "friends." its not the tearing apart that bothers me. its the fact that im only in their friendship circle so i can amuse them. it can really make me feel like a nobody, like i have no significance whatsoever.

well thats all for now
sorry to leave on a bad note
bye

its been a while...

2004-07-10T17:51:07Z

its been a long time since ive posted so first ill tell you about my trips. i went to ohio with my friend Robert. we went to three different theme parks. first: kings island. it was ok. thats all i have to say about that. then we went to cedar point. that was AWESOME. i liked that place a lot. i met this really cool guy named jason. he was black, and he kept making fun of everyone he saw. youd think that would get old but it was the funniest thing i had ever seen. the last park we went to was kennywood. not only were the rides dissapointing, but we went with roberts cousin and roberts cousin is way into the whole "gothic" thing so it was a drag. also, i saw more "wiggers" in that park than i have seen in my entire life. we stayed at roberts grandmas house which was ok, but the only thing to do there was to watch tv. so, i watched a lot of conan obrien. all in all, i guess it wasn't that bad. i had fun.

the next trip i went on was the beach with kenneth pararo. that was the trip i had been waiting for and it rocked. that was one of the best weeks of my life. i probably couldnt tell you why it was so fun, it was just the vibes i had and the feelings i was getting. i listened to those vibes and feelings and i guess i got something out of it. Anyway, we did a lot of ocean swimming and stuff during the day, but at night we had a lot more fun. me kenneth and this guy named andrew would go up on the roof, look at the stars and talk for hours each night. if you saw this guy andrew you probably wouldn't think much of him, but he has become one of the coolest people i have ever met. after andrew would go to sleep, me and kenneth would watch jackass, the movie. we watched it almost every night. that beach trip will definitely be my favorite memory of the summer.

my third and final trip was panama city with my church. for some reason it wasnt that cool to me. it could have been because i was expecting a lot more out of it, it might have been because the only understandable words coming out of either ray or daniels mouth were deragatory to me, or it could have been because joan wasnt there. i dont really want to get into it though, so ill leave it at that.

NOW ON TO PRESENT TIME

recently, my mom MADE me go to counseling. just totally out of the blue she came up and said i want you to go to counseling. she didnt give a reason and i was mad, i did not want to go to counseling. the only reason i ended up going was because my mom had already paid for it. it really sucked. i amk very curious as to why she asked me to go to.

as i finish, i would like to leave you with a line from fight club that i always think about wen i update:

"a stranger with this kind of honesty makes me go a big wet rubbery one"

bye

i need a punching bag

2004-06-03T16:25:13Z

First off, the reason i haven't updated in like a year is because my computer is menstruating. Im doing it now because me and kenneth have figured out a way to get on the internet. His parents don't let us but we beat the system.

Anyway i got a lot to talk about. first ill talk about yesterday. Yesterday i went to white water with my church. I didn't want to go but it turned out alright. i was hoping daniel would be there because i knew ray wouldn't and daniel didn't come. but its okay, i still love him. i got so sunburnt that it almost wasn't worth going.

I have to get a haircut this week because im going out of town for three weeks straight. this sunday morning after sunday school, im going to cedar point ohio with robert anderson. It's not like i dont like him or anything, but i really don't want to go. The reason: the week after that im going to st. georges island with kenneth pararo. that is one of my favorite things to do every year, and im kinda sick right now, and i have a feeling that im going to get really sick on the trip with robert. i must sound like an asshole right now so ill stop. anyway, the week after that im going to PC. That's going to be pretty Fing azwesome. There was a pretty awesome show coming up and i have to miss it. the Premonitions of war and A Life Once Lost, but oh well.

Last night i spent the night at kenneths house. everything was cool for a while until his mom left to go over to her friends house to get something. she said shed be back in around fifteen minutes. i was starving because i didn't eat breakfast and i went to white water where i ate a mini can of pringles and that was it. i hate eating in front of any of kenneths family members because they always say stupid shit like, "wow josh, your'e eating usout of house and home," and after hearing that everywhere i go it pisses me off. so, when she left, we made two tombstone pizzas, and i only ended up eating like one piece because the cheese on that mother fucker made me feel like i had to throw up. then i ate a lunchable and some ice cream cake. after about forty five minutes his mom still wasn't home.

then his dog ran away and we had to go catch it. none of us wanted to pick him up because he smells like shit so we did rock paper scissors and of course i lost and i had to pick up the dog and carry him home. on the way i scraped my toe really bad on the ground and it hurt pretty bad. when i got back i put him down and he fuckin ran away right when his feet hit the ground. I said GODDAMN at the top of my lungs. i was pissed. it had been an hour abnd thirty minutes and his momwas not home yet.

She came home two hours after she left and said she was just talking the entire time. i dont believe her. First off, she takes that medacine for anxiety so she can have trouble being around people, and second, how many working adults stay out till eleven talking when they have to go to work the next day.

Also, kenneth was looking for some of his cd's in his sisters room and she was talking with a friend over, and everything she was saying was pissing me off. She is one of the most vain, shallow, judgmental, blonde, and slutty people ive ever met. And she's only in 6th grade.

Sorry this whole post was an opportunity to bitch but thats what live journal is all about.

Bye